Anguish

"I will walk humbly all my years
because of this anguish of my soul.

Lord, by such things men live;
and my spirit finds life in them too."

~Isaiah 38:15b-16a




Anguish. It is not a pleasant thing to experience. In fact, that is quite the understatement. Anguish is painful. Horrible. Completely and utterly heartbreaking.

But I want more of it.

Something inside of me longs to truly understand the truth of our world. My heart wants to ache with God's heart at evil. Hurt when I see injustice. Break at the pain. Feel anger at sin.

Because when I experience anguish, I am forced to "walk humbly," knowing that God is in control and that I am completely incapable of accomplishing anything. I hurt and mourn and ache... but in the end, I must give it to God or else I couldn't survive the pain. In anguish, there is surrender.

When I experience anguish, I know things that are worth knowing. My mind isn't focused on clothes or money or friends or my selfish needs and wishes. It can't be. I know hard truths that move me from complacency to action; from fear to courage; from doubt to faith. I cannot stay where I am. In anguish, there is change.

When I experience anguish, I have purpose. Faced with hard truth, my focus moves from within to without. There is nothing so strong as a deep desire to change; change myself and change my world. "Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds life in them too." In anguish, there is life!

It is not easy. It is not fun. Sometimes, it hurts so bad I can barely breathe, much less act. But I would rather live in anguish than complacency. I would rather ache than feel nothing. I would rather follow God with all the ups and downs and twists and turns of life, knowing He is there, than face the world alone.

Anguish.

What brings you anguish? Here are just some of the things that cause anguish for me.

147 Million orphans living alone.

A young woman giving up her life to change lives.

An unthinkable evil that still exists today.

Precious children who live on "borrowed time."

47 million babies... dead.

What is God calling YOU to feel anguish for?

As I sit here at my computer, I am drinking of mug of diluted Apple Cider Vinegar. Why, you are probably wondering in confusion. Well, I am sick and have no health insurance at the moment, so I am learning to cure things naturally. It did take away the pain last night... now I'm just waiting for the rest of me to recover!

On another note, I am contemplating a move to San Antonio. (Yes, Texas. I have never heard of another San Antonio, but with all the friends who ask me "Texas?" I thought I should clarify)! I just need to call about apartments/places to lives and find out how much it will cost to move before I make a final decision.

Your prayers would be appreciated for both of these matters.

One last thing... I found a blog by an absolutely amazing young woman of 21 who has lived for the last two years in Uganda and adopted 14 children! If you want to be convicted and inspired (or even if you don't), you have to check out her blog. http://www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/

Taste and see that the Lord is GOOD.

This evening, I heard a question that spoke deeply to my soul.

How do I see God apart from His miracles and sovereign intervention in my life?

It seems easy to believe in God's goodness and love when I see Him at work. When I watch Him re-arrange events or send just the right person at just the right time, I know He is there. But what of those times when He seems invisible?

In the daily monotony of everyday life... do I still see Him?
In the pain and hurt caused by others... do I believe in His kindness?
In the sorrow and suffering surrounding me... do I still know that He is good?

Often in those times, I do not look for or see His present goodness. I cannot imagine how this could be 'good.' Instead, I look back to His past goodness and believe He will be good again.

But that is not right! Our God is good ALL the time! So what of His goodness now? Where is His goodness in the suffering or the failures or the boredom or the pain of life? What do I see today?

When it seems we are struggling just to survive, we must see God. And know...

In each breathe that I take, He is good.
In the sun that rises each day, He is kind.
In food we can eat and water we can drink, He is mercy.
In the rain and the wind, He is love.
In music and dance, He is joy.
In laughter and smiles, He is hope.

Even in pain and sorrow, He is there.
In all things, He is our very life.

And every moment, He is good.